Irritated

So someone changed the schedule at work LAST NIGHT and failed to call me to tell me my shifts were switched today. Which means I drove in there for nothing, which is highly inconvenient to me. And I was supposed to know about this how, exactly? Through my extraordinary psychic ability? Magic, perhaps?

Losers.

I just want a real job, where crap like this does not happen to annoy me. Or really, just to live in a cave and work via the internet, drinking coffee all day. But WE CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT.

ALSO. On the topic of annoyance. I saw my most execrable and abhorrent drama queen of an ex walk up and down Magazine Street like four times yesterday. Which can only mean that he must be taking the bar here, and I can only look forward to bumping into His Deplorableness for possibly the rest of my adult life. Because New Orleans is one of those very small big cities where everyone knows everyone. Especially in the legal community. Puke.

Why do all the people I like move?

I Demand a Revolution

I caught ten minutes of this E! series called Sunset Tan yesterday, and it was a new low. I immediately called bullshit. Like, immediately. It's the first time** I've seen a "reality" show that was so blatantly fake, I could tell without even watching an episode. The scenarios... the dialogue... there's something just stilted and staged about them. And there are these two girls working in the tanning salon who are so incompetent and dumb, they would be fired in about five minutes if it was real. I turned to my old friend Google ("Sunset Tan"+ fake reality show). Sure enough, the search turned up this fabulous article. In fact, it's so snarky, I shall quote:

Sunset Tan (E!, Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET) is a six-episode reality series of such superlative vapidity that it seems right on the edge of mutating into some toxic new breed of media experience... This moderately misanthropic and mildly depressing show is a portrait of a country so ugly that it plays like anti-American propaganda.

Heh. What they said. Also, they filmed an episode where they had to spray tan a dead guy, and got busted because the dead guy was in fact played by an actor. Also, I wish I'd come up with the phrase "superlative vapidity" first.

It makes me upset. Mainly because the past ten years I have valiantly believed that reality TV is a fad that people will get sick of. And yet it just gets worse! It's all over the TV, even on otherwise reputable stations. I don't think it's a coincidence that I stopped watching TV right around the time reality TV became popular. I don't get it. I know a lot of people do watch it, and they are smart people, and I miss out on a lot of watercooler-type conversation because I don't watch it... but I still do not get it. I have tried to get it, but I don't.

Reality television is creating a whole new class of F-list "celebrities" who are famous for... nothing. But mostly it makes me angry because I feel cheated. I feel like if networks are going to FAKE reality shows, why not fork over the money, hire real writers and real actors, and, I don't know, MAKE A REAL SHOW? I just feel as if I am being handed a low-quality product, so why should I support networks who aren't putting in the effort? Dammit, when are the people going to rise up? When is my Marxist television revolution going to happen?

WE ARE BEING OPPRESSED.




** Actually, not. I just remembered I feel the same way about Laguna Beach and its spinoff(s). I do not know if there is more than one. I do not know what it is called, except that there is this girl in New York who isn't even cute, but has a hugely inflated opinion of herself, and has a life that is way too insipid and dull for me to watch. Anyway. I am convinced that these people, who-EVER they are, are also fake.

WTF So Pissed Off About My Apparent "Lack" of Credit

I got rejected for a credit card last year, and I assumed it was because I had recently applied for a car loan the same month. So here I am in a crappy situation in which I have a large medical bill, I took a paycut to go to the job where I currently am, and I will be starting a job that pays substantially more (ie: nearly double my current income) in ONE month's time. I'm not the kind of person who racks up unnecessary debt. I'm seriously talking about getting a credit card JUST to pay for a plane ticket I need to buy this month and can't afford. I'm talking about using credit to get through ONE month of my life, and then paying it right off. IF THIS IS NOT A SITUATION THAT PERFECTLY DESCRIBES WHY CREDIT CARDS WERE INVENTED, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS.

I applied for a credit card and got rejected... again. I didn't even apply for the real one-- I applied for the student one. I don't get it. I did a free annual credit report ON MYSELF the same day I applied for the card. It said I have 13 total accounts, six past and seven present, all in good standing. I mean, I read the report! What report are they reading that says I have "delinquent credit"? How do I still, after being an adult and paying my own bills for five years, apparently have no credit? The kicker is that there were 2 cards on the report I didn't even know I had. One was apparently a card from Bank of America that gave me a $1500 credit limit when I was a 19 year old college student and had an income of zero dollars. YEAH. And I can't even get a bullshitty student card for like $1000 at the age of 26 when I've been paying bills for years??

It just pisses me off that I thought I was being responsible all those years by not having a credit card and, you know, using a debit card from my bank account, when apparently it would have been better if I'd racked up tons of debt. I have ONE credit card with a $500 limit that isn't even enough to buy plane tickets on. Or anything useful. What if there's another hurricane and we have to freakin' evacuate again?

I swear to god, I should just call up Bank of America and tell them to send me another copy of that card. Jesus Christ.

Oh, Windows Vista

Why do you have so much hate for everything I love?

Not only did I play several hours in KOTOR 2 the other day when it magically decided to work, only to suffer disappointment when it lapsed back into being incompatible and crashing, but AIM has not worked for at least a week. And we all know I cannot live without my IMer, and people probably think I'm dead. And on top of this, yesterday we discovered Vista won't play iTunes videos we paid good money for. Yet here I am on the desktop because, well, my laptop is four years old and the warranty ran out. I need to spare it from menial things like gaming and checking the internet. It must be saved for essential situations like airports.

My main issue with Vista is that it thinks it's smarter than me. I KNOW it is blocking AIM from connecting. The reason I know this is because Vista up and decided to do it to Firefox for awhile. It worked for months, then one day Vista was like, "Hey! This thing isn't made by Microsoft? ... What to do with it? ... [block]." It's not in the firewall, it's somewhere else in the settings that I can't find. Because of course now I don't remember how I fixed the Firefox thing. But the point is, I don't think my operating system should display such an alarming and annoying mind of its own. I do not purchase an OS just so it can one day up and decide that the settings I've put in place aren't good enough anymore. It's such bullshit.

Also. Can we talk about how every time I want to move a file into a different folder, Vista pops up a box and I have to give it permission not once, not twice, but THREE times. YES I AM SURE I WANT TO MOVE THE FREAKIN' FILE ALL RIGHT? I WAS SURE THE FIRST TIME I CLICKED YES. I realize that Microsoft is marketing toward people who don't really know or care about how to operate their computer. But that doesn't describe me. God forbid I ever have to go into my registry and delete some keys. I do not even want to know what will happen on that day.

I like the way I put it to Mike: The problem with this approach is that it's vastly outdated. In fact, it's backwards. Think about it. Windows has been around and popular for what, fifteen years? From that one can conclude that a lot of people have probably figured it out by now. But Microsoft did not conclude this. As far as I can tell, Microsoft concluded the opposite: that people who use Windows Vista are actually dumber and more technologically inept than people who used Windows XP. How does that make any sense? What are their marketing people telling them?

I'll tell you what would have been truly revolutionary and useful to me. They could have made it so there are three or four different overall settings. You know, like "Total Newbie: Needs Vista for Dummies," "General User: Vaguely Knows Way Around Own Computer But Warn Me If I'm Going to Accidentally Explode It," "Competent: Do Not Need Extra Help K Thanks Bye," and "SuperHacker: Proceed At Your Own Risk."

Then I could just click the box for #3, and all the pop-up boxes would go away and we'd all be happier with our computing experience.

WWC

I obviously haven't been out enough lately, so this is bothering me afresh, but I have to ask what is up with men who think that just because a woman is there, she is somehow asking to be hit on? Similar to the way DWB (Driving While Black) gives the police probable cause to pull you over, apparently WWC (Working While Cute) gives men license to hit on you.

So I'm working the door last night, and this guy who'd been sitting in the bar comes up to me. "You're new, aren't you? I'm ____."

I shook hands. "Nice to meet you. I'm Sarah."

"Yeah," he says, "only I really came over here because my friend wants to meet you."

Lord. If there is one pickup I hate, it is "the friend." It's pretty much the lamest thing ever. What it shows me is that your friend is a spineless fool who sends others to do his dirty work for him. Luckily some people came in the door just then, and I was able to beg off saying hi to the lame friend. But later they flagged me down as I was walking past the bar, and it became unavoidable. I chatted for a few minutes, because, well, I have a lot of friends who are guys, and I am not above meeting people and engaging in chat. The length of this conversation was no more than two minutes. Then "the friend" asks if he can give me his number. I politely explained that I had a boyfriend and was therefore taken, and therefore would not be calling him.

They exchanged looks. "Really! Because that wasn't the vibe we got!"

"What do you mean?"

"You gave off a single vibe."

Like, when? As I was standing in the door politely smiling and saying hello to people? As I was running around frantically bussing tables? As I was doing my job and completely ignoring you? How is that a "vibe"?

Yes, ladies, it's true. You should not be surprised and mildly annoyed by people hitting on you at work. Because you asked for it. By just being there. I really can't think of any way I would have been giving off a "vibe" other than the fact that I was tall, skinny, cute, and wearing a nice outfit and makeup. I suspect if I was less attractive, I wouldn't have given off a "single vibe." I suppose if I wore a sack to work and my eyes and hair looked as if I'd just rolled out of bed, then I would not be giving off a "single vibe." But I am not about to do that.

I don't know, it just seemed like such a sense of entitlement. Because I could not possibly be there for another purpose than picking up men. Give me a break.

(I didn't get hit on once when I wore the androgynous penguin suit. But I wouldn't go back to it if you paid me. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my real clothes!)

I Hate You, Rock of New Orleans

OK, I'm back again. This is my day off, and I'm working on a short story on the computer anyway, so it is apparently also a blogging day. I have to rant about 104.1 The Rock of New Orleans. I have had it with this station's persistent sexism. It drives me up a friggin' wall. Mike claims he listens to the station all the time and doesn't hear anything misogynistic. I'm like, you must have a higher tolerance level than me, or just be oblivious because you aren't female. Because just now in the car I CLEARLY HEARD them play the tagline, "The Rock of New Orleans: good music, hot chicks." And you cannot tell me that is appropriate to use as a tagline for your radio station. You cannot. There's another slogan that says something about "T&A," which I've also heard. And really, a visit to their website is all you need to confirm everything I'm saying. It's like the thought that they might have female listeners never occurred to them, or it did, and they just decided to ignore us.

I think I'm going to write them a nasty letter. They'd probably just roll their eyes and say, "Go listen to the Diva." Because that is the kind of guy (clearly it is a guy) I imagine runs the station. But I don't want to listen to Diva 92.3, because I don't like the music. I don't like pop, I like 90's rock. Both my exes listened to The Diva, the "girly" station, and I don't remember either of them having to deal with offensive content. I don't understand why there's a need to "gender" a radio station at all. Hello, it's radio. Shouldn't it be about the music? Exactly how are "hot chicks" relevant to the radio format? YOU CAN'T SEE PEOPLE OVER THE RADIO. And shouldn't there, you know, not be porn on a professional business website?

Why don't you boycott them, you ask? Why don't you not listen to the station if it makes you foam at the mouth?

I think this is what pisses me off the most. Because 104.1 and Bayou 95.7 are the only two stations I like. I love the music 104.1 plays. It puts me in a really uncomfortable position. I've sort of made this compromise with myself where, when a song stops and the talking starts, I immediately switch stations to keep myself from getting all worked up. But I'm still offended and I don't like it.

P.S. I also hate the two entitled Uptown mommy-types who double-parked their two unnecessarily giant Lexus SUVs next to me in the parking lot at Roly Poly so I could barely get out of my spot. First of all, why don't you just kill some baby seals while you're at it? Second, here's a thought: if you were both going to Roly Poly, each with ONE small child, why didn't you just ride together? Because I'm perfectly sure four people can fit in one of those monster vehicles, and then the rest of us wouldn't have to seethe because you've blocked off most of a tiny parking lot. And I thought going out of the house would be good for my mood. Heh! :-P

Use Resources Wisely

I got home from work, and the toilet was no longer in the middle of the kitchen floor. It was back in the bathroom, but it was not hooked up. It was the Last Straw.

There has to be a toilet in this building somewhere, I thought, and dammit, I am going to find it. Exploring the basement apartment, I discovered two toilets, none of which were hooked up to the water pipes, and one shower, with no fixtures. I checked the driveway and the street. No van. No workers anywhere. I went up the stairs to the landlord's apartment. They had just done the hardwood floors. I did not care. I was going to use that toilet. I took off my shoes. The floor was still fresh, but well, I am nothing if not light and crafty.

I hopped over the top of the child-proof gate, leapt the sticky hardwood flooring in the hallway, climbed over the piano, and there it was, in all its glory: a working toilet. The working toilet. Satisfied, I came back down the stairs, grabbed my shampoo, a towel, sandals and a bathing suit, and went out into the backyard to take a shower in the hose. Never underestimate a pissed off Girl Scout.

"This Is Me Expressing Myself"

I should really take a picture of myself right now... in plaid pajama pants, an old Chi O t-shirt, my hair in a ponytail and a HUGE FUCKING MARTINI in my hand. Then you could get an idea of how much I can't deal with my job. Which I just got home from... at midnight. I think I'm twitching. Or, I was. My glass consisting of three shots of straight liquor is kicking in. Everything will very shortly be aaaaaaall gooooooodd.

I always say the day I quit my job, I will totally pull a Jennifer Aniston in Office Space. In the movie (one of my all-time favorite quotable movies, by the way), she is a waitress who works in a TGI Friday's sort of place where she's required to wear fifteen "pieces of flair" on her uniform. In an early scene, her manager pulls her aside, saying, "We need to talk about your flair," and berates her for only wearing the minimum number of stupid pins on her vest, when her lame dorky co-worker has 37 pieces. "You don't want to be a person who only does the minimum, do you?" he asks. I really, really, really identify with this scene. I'm not about to be one of those bloggers who talks about her job-- I've never actually said where I work (wearing sunglasses in your photo totally makes you anonymous, right? right?). But. I'll just say I get it.

In Office Space, the scene where she finally snaps and storms out of the restaurant is one of my favorite parts of the movie. Her slow-talking corporate-bullshit-spewing manager pulls her aside again, and says, "I still only see 15 pieces of flair. What about our talk? Don't you want to express yourself?"

"You know what?" she says. "I do want to express myself. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it." And she flips him off, right in his face. "THIS is me expressing MY SELF. I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it!"

Let's just say I came dangerously close to "expressing" myself tonight. But I have $150 in my pocket, a giant martini on my desk, and two days off. I'll cool down. For now.

%&*#$^@ Traffic Court

Can we have a moment for how I have to drive to Algiers now, to the permanently "temporary" traffic court? Can we have a moment for the fact that I'm only going to set up a court date to contest my speeding ticket, which means that going to Algiers today only gains me the privilege of having to go to Algiers again in two weeks? Can we have a moment for the fact that you used to be able to set a court date on the internet or over the phone, but the system has been broken since Katrina? How about a moment for me asking the officer where I had to go, because I know perfectly well that the Broad Street traffic court has been closed since Katrina, and him cutting me off and droning, "Just follow the instructions on the back of your ticket, ma'am." WHICH ARE INCORRECT. As is most of the information on the City of New Orleans' website, until you click the dropdown menu instead of the side menu, and then this semi-hidden page miraculously appears telling you that traffic court is now in Algiers. Can we have a moment for how you can only pay in cash? Or how you can still plead guilty over the website, but if you want to contest your ticket, the instructions are vague and the process is so much of a pain in the ass that I'm tempted to just send them $350 (except... not). Can we have a moment for the phone number for traffic court being not in service? And, last but not least, this piece of hilarity that a Google search turned up?

Let us all be silent and have a moment. Thanks.

Tags: new orleans

Where, oh Where, Are the Good Clothes in Oblivion?

I am currently about 12 hours into the game, and here I am already checking out mods. It doesn't mean I'm bored with the game-- I'm just a sucker for mods, little downloadable player-made things that enhance the experience. I'm not too happy with the clothes I've found so far, for one thing. I'd like a couple of tattoos. And there's this strange quirk programmed into the game that doesn't let me wear pants because I'm a female character. What I mean is, there are several items of clothing in the game that "morph" to fit your character's gender. Like you'll kill a guy who's wearing "breeches," but when you put them on, they're suddenly a skirt. Now, the weird thing is, it's only some of the pants in game. For instance, I can wear the laced leather pants or the blacksmith pants. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if the skirts weren't really heinous. Unsurprisingly, there are mods out there that fix this-- what did surprise me was the number of guys who were upset about not being able to put the skirts on their male characters. I guess they wanted to be able to rock the samurai style. Anyway, that's easily fixed.

I also wanted to check out the different body mods, just to see what people are making. I don't know, I don't see much of a problem with the original female body. It's a little blocky, which is somewhat annoying. Also, in some of the outfits, the breasts appear oddly pointy. I'm not a fan of the Madonna cone bra look myself. (You can sort of see what I'm talking about at right, but I didn't really have any good shots to illustrate what I mean.)

I did a quick search to see what alternative body meshes were out there. (Warning: Nudity in the links. There. You were warned.) A quick search brings up this one. This is Corwyn's Fantasy Figure, which, as far as I know, is only an alpha, not a final release. Still, there are some clothes out there available for it, and it's a good illustration of the point I want to make here. Check out the huge, abnormally highly placed boobs. I'll give him some credit for giving her hips and making her lower body curvy. But there's something distinctly iffy about the pubic area, and the way the breasts sit.

Eshme's Bodies and Clothes seems to be the most popular one. This one was made by an actual female, and it appears realistic to me. The pubes are actually in the right spot (don't laugh-- I've looked through these mods, and they're mostly made by guys), and the breasts look realistic. This could be a real female body. In fact, she looks very similar to my build, with a slightly larger chest. It's not ludicrously large, though, which is a good thing, because the body is skinny. Really skinny. The vast majority of clothing mods out there are designed for this particular body. So why not download this one, and get some cool clothes?

Two reasons. First, I mentioned that the Eshme body looks similar to my build... in a roleplaying game this is flat-out the opposite of what I want and what's realistic. Why? In the game I play a swordswoman, for crying out loud. I carry a giant two-hander that weighs 40 pounds. My real life build certainly can't support that weight, but my character's build had better be able to. In a roleplaying game, it should be about avoiding things that take the player out of the experience. Waif-like warriors aren't realistic; they're ridiculous. In KOTOR II, there's a part where, if you're a female character, you have to put on a dancing girl outfit, similar to Leia's metal bra, to get past a nasty Hutt. Except that when you put it on, the designers made it so your waist morphs into this absurdly extreme hourglass shape. You don't even look like the same person. I could only roll my eyes at that. It definitely took me out of the game.

Second, go have a look at the outfits modders are making for female characters. Thayet would not be caught dead in "armor" that exposed her stomach and nipples. She'd put a blade through your throat for suggesting such a thing. I've discovered today that it's very difficult to find anyone making good clothes for a) the original body mesh, and b) gamers who want their characters to wear clothing appropriate for the time period and setting. Aren't those peasants and soldiers going to look at me funny if I go running around in a leopard catsuit and heels? It's not like I'm asking for a lot here. A couple of retextured dresses? Cool looking pants that female characters can wear? I wouldn't be opposed to a sleeveless shirt that I can wear with pants when I'm thieving around. I wouldn't even be opposed to a midriff-baring vest if it doesn't look completely out of place. I like to look cute and bad-ass at the same time. I just don't want to look like something out of a cheesy S&M fantasy.

Whatev. I'm not entirely graphically incompetent. Maybe I'll just do it myself.

Tags: oblivion, gaming, mods

Service With a Smile, Bitch

I am so over my job.

It's not that I'm bad at my job. It's not that I don't like to interact... with pleasant people. But working in service tends to grate on you when you aren't making money. I was forced to work during the Saints game... lord, I honestly think I made negative money that day, if you count the gas I wasted driving there. Then I worked a double yesterday. Which, as you can imagine, made me not incredibly enthusiastic to be there today for lunch. It was my last shift before my day off.

There are a lot of "lifers" in my restaurant. Me, I don't get it. I don't see how you don't become incredibly bitter at the human race, working in service for 10-20 years. Hell, if I have to work in service for more than two years, I am warning you now I will combust. Really, the only reason I'm there is because I have afternoon classes that do not allow me to work 9-5 (my program is designed to work around a teacher's schedule, but isn't great for people with other jobs). You just would not believe how rude people can be. I think it's because people view their servers as largely faceless. There are exceptions, but it's just the way it works. Even when I go out to eat, I rarely pay close attention to the person waiting on me, and I work in the industry. There's nothing wrong with that; in fact, unnoticeable service is the epitome of good service-- everything on the table before you think to ask for it.

The shit that drives me up a wall is shit that wouldn't even occur to you. Like the tons of people-- classy people, people who can afford it and know better-- who try to get something for nothing. There is a reason you cannot replace, like, the sauce on your entree with a freakin' salad-- because it clearly says on the bottom of the menu "add a salad $5." That is what a dinner salad is: a small salad to accompany your food. Why is that hard to understand? Why do people try to get them for free? "But like, I don't want the cole slaw. Can't I have a salad?" Yes. For $5. One thing is a menu item. The other is a garnish. Seriously, people. Enough. And there are people who, every time they come in, actively search for something to nitpick so they can get food comped. Why? Because probably once their steak wasn't the right temperature, and they got it for free, and a little light went off in their freeloading brain. So they decided to pull this B.S. every single time to get a 3-course $110 meal for 50 bucks. I wonder if it's a game for them. I wonder if the people who come in with them get embarrassed. I am embarrassed for people on a regular basis. And it pisses me off, because the feeling is unwilling and I wish I wasn't a classy, normal person so I wasn't compelled to cringe inwardly at this blatant, transparent behavior. It's not my embarrassment. So let's all just behave like adults in public so I won't have to deal with it.

OK. I'm done. Now it's time to enjoy the hell out of my day off.

Tags: work

This Is My Country... and This is My Remote... Oh Oops, Did I Hit That Button?

The Jessica Simpson thing was so cleansing, I figured why stop there? Especially while there is football on and I am currently inspired. I'm on a roll. Why not tackle the ad I hate EVEN MORE than Jessica Simpson's ad? Yes, it does exist. And, oh, it's a good one, if by good you mean vomit-inducing. Here goes:

I HATE THE "THIS IS OUR COUNTRY" CHEVY TRUCK AD.

Oh, how I hate it. I hate it in all its incarnations. I hate the first one that juxtaposes a bunch of serious images like Vietnam, Martin Luther King, 9-11, and, oh I don't know, New Orleans DROWNED IN WATER with a lame schmaltzy song designed to manipulatively invoke a warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling in the sort of people who have never been taught to think critically about anything in their lives. Seriously, I remember the first time Mike and I saw that commercial. We were like, "Did that just happen? Did that really just happen?" Was that New Orleans? Tell me this is an ad for, like, the Red Cross. Or Habitat for Humanity. Something that will fade to black and pop up a website where you can go and find out how you can help at www.whatever.com. Wait, they're selling trucks? Trucks? Seriously? Is this a joke? (Side note: This was also our reaction to Allstate being allowed to sponsor the Sugar Bowl at the Superdome after their recent announcement that they will be dropping their coverage of everyone in the state of Louisiana.)

That's pretty low. When you live here, it is kind of inconceivable to see those images being used cheaply. It seemed almost sarcastic. Like, I could understand cobbling together a video of destroyed images backed by that song as some sort of social commentary, as irony. That's what we thought it was at first. But then, it wasn't irony. It was trucks. It's horribly offensive and disgusting. "This is our country! Little pink houses for you and me! In fifteen feet of water with the roofs peeking out! Whoo!"

So, OK. A lot of other people had the same reaction to that particular spot, so they hauled out some new ones. Oh, you think I'm finished. I am not finished. Because, as you will be excited to find out, I have equal or greater hate for the one with the blue-collar red-staters with the lame "values" oriented taglines that play across the screen. It just seems like they got a bunch of advertising dudes together in a room and said, "OK, guys, give me images that middle-aged conservative farm workers who live in trailers in the midwest and watch football and NASCAR can identify with! Ready, set, go!" See, this is part of what I don't get. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the demographic that already buys trucks?

I just think that for a commercial based around a song entitled "This Is Our Country," it's a remarkably exclusionary ad. There is not a single woman or person of color in that commercial. It's all men, men, men. And they're all white men with jobs involving mud. And I haven't even gotten to the taglines. "This is our philosophy," against a Norman Rockwell-esque Boy Scout. Because I'm sure Chevy's advertising department "forgot" that the Boy Scouts are notoriously anti-gay. "This is our purpose," against a baby. Right, 'cause women are all gestational tools for the patriarchy and procreation is our noble purpose. "This is our internet chat room," against two cowboy-hatted guys having coffee in a greasy spoon. "This is our coffee break," against a guy napping on a huge pile of trees he has just killed with his giant manly saw. Oh, it gets better. "This is our backbone," against an oil rig. Dude. Seriously? Are we sure this isn't irony? The last time I checked, a Chevy Silverado was a large gas guzzling machine and gas was a non-sustainable resource. If anyone seriously thinks the oil industry is the backbone of our country, they have got to be on crack or they had too many 40's. The gas industry's interests and the average American's interests are about as opposite as... I'm running out of clever snark here, so imagine two things that are really, really, really far apart. "This is our breakfast," against... what the fuck is that, anyway? It's a stack of plywood. Do rednecks eat plywood for breakfast? I don't know where they're going with this one.

What if you're a blue-collar worker who's a woman, and you like trucks? What if you run an internet company, and you like trucks? What if you've chosen not to have kids, and you like trucks? What if you are an environmentalist, and you like trucks? What if you're black, and you like trucks? Guess this ain't your truck! Oh wait, or your country! Sorry.

Anyway, I refuse to watch that ad. We change the channel whenever it comes on. Which is roughly... every two minutes. Have you watched football this year? That's not an exaggeration. Sometimes it comes on twice in one commercial break. Which is pretty inexcusable considering it's a long ass ad. I don't care what stupid, stereotypical, midwestern glorification imagery they've plopped into it this week. All of its incarnations piss me off. I just hear the song and I reach for the button.

Because this is war, Chevy. Now excuse me while I put on my pink "THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE" T-shirt and drive my small fuel-efficient Korean car to the coffee shop, where I will blog some horrible baby-killing, tree-saving, left-wing sentiments on one of them new-fangled contraptions called a laptop. Maybe on my way back I'll stop at the Planned Parenthood and make fun of the Catholic Church. And when I get home, I'll read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and try to learn witchcraft from it. Because I didn't vote for Bush either time. And I hate trucks, especially those ones with I'm-compensating-for-something double wheels that drive ass-slow, rolling at 10 MPH in an attempt not to sideswipe surrounding objects and vehicles, because WTF do you need those double tires for in an urban area full of narrow one-way streets when you aren't even hauling anything?

This is my country, bitches. Get out of my way.

I Hate Jessica Simpson

I just hate her.

Sorry, this came kinda out of the blue. It's her damn HDTV ad. I have to change the channel whenever it comes on, it annoys me that much. When she goes "Ah totally don't know what that means, but ah want it!" in the most stereotypical southern accent ever, I want to bitchslap her.

To be fair, I want to bitchslap her whenever I see her face, whether it be on TV or in a magazine or on the web. I have had it argued to me that "she's not really dumb, she's very smart and she's playing everyone and making a fortune off it." See, here's my problem with that: if she's really this savvy person-- which I don't for a second believe she is-- it's even more inexcusable. What kind of woman pretends to be dumb so boys will like her? Maybe someone in, like, the fifth grade. I thought we'd moved past that. The same goes for Paris Hilton, as far as I'm concerned. It's completely reprehensible. I've heard other women sticking up for this behavior, and it pisses me off beyond belief. Stupid is not cute. Stupid is not something adolescent girls should have plastered all over the media as a role model. Never mind that reality TV "celebrity" is the dullest and most insipid form of celebrity around.

I don't get what's so great about Jessica Simpson. I mean, I would call her pretty, in a blonde chesty sort of way, but she's certainly not beautiful. Not anything special. She looks all done up, plus she has this scary aggressive look in all her photos that makes me afraid she'd pounce on my head with her giant white teeth. I would venture to say that if she was just an average girl, without a posse of people to keep her glam, she'd be pretty but nothing you don't see every day. Whenever I say I find nothing whatsoever attractive about Jessica Simpson, other people (male and female alike) seize on this. "Sour grapes! You're just jealous! She's gorgeous!"

No, she's not. She's fake and scary-looking. Plus, I am perfectly capable of recognizing female beauty. Keira Knightley, for example, is beautiful. I could look at her all day (in a non-sexual way). ANYHOW. I hate Jessica Simpson. Whew. Nice to get that off my chest.

Hmm. My website seems to be down so my banner isn't loading. Oops.

Add two more tacos to dinner. I told you I'm down with the whole late night thing.

Ignorance on CNN

SERIOUS FEMINIST RANT
Mike and I were watching Anderson Cooper on CNN last night, when something came on that made me flip out. A female correspondent was doing a segment on the recent deaths that may have been caused by RU-486. The headline on the screen read "ABORTION PILL DEATHS" or something like that, but the reporter said "... two recent deaths from taking the morning after pill." I immediately sat up and was like, "Hello? Which is it?"

Those are two entirely separate drugs. The morning after pill is Plan B (levonorgestrel). It is an emergency contraceptive, NOT an abortion pill and in fact will not work if you are already pregnant. The abortion pill is RU-486 (mifepristone). Since the correspondent stated the WRONG DRUG on air, the only way I knew which one they were actually talking about was seeing the close-up shot of the pill bottle which clearly read "RU-486."

This kind of carelessness has the effect of grievously misinforming the public about an important women's health issue. Conflating these two drugs is NOT OK. This is all we need, some ignorant teenager seeing CNN and thinking it is not safe to go and get emergency contraception. I have taken Plan B, and it is more like a large dose of birth control and NOT NOT NOT the abortion pill. It so safe the FDA is considering making it over-the-counter. I knew what they really meant because I am very familiar with this issue and recognized the name of the drug. Casual viewers might not. This mistake was extremely upsetting to me. It almost makes me think it's not a mistake and part of a huge conspiracy by conservative America to equate birth control with abortion... I mean, geez.

I emailed CNN to that effect today. (But didn't mention the conspiracy.)

/SERIOUS FEMINIST RANT

Tags: feminism, pro-choice, women's health, rant