25 and Sucking at Life Rant
Am I the only one who has these moments?
( self-pity rant )
I am twenty-five years old and do not have a career. I graduated from college, went to law school for a year, hated it, quit, went and taught sailing, got a job in a law office because they were the only people who would hire me, got kicked out of it because of Katrina, am going to graduate school part-time, and not even a prestigious graduate school, and in twenty minutes I will leave the house to go serve people food for three hours and make $50-60, because the lunch shift sucks and yet it is my job. I AM SMARTER THAN ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO HAVE REAL JOBS AND CAREERS. I am not a loser. I got a 1350 on the SAT. I got a 162 on the LSAT. I own more books than most people have read ever. I do not suck at being smart. Why do I not have a career?
I will never get anywhere in writing, because I suck. I am just not good enough, and I don't have the inner capacity to push myself hard enough. I'm 9,000 words behind in NaNo, and I am STILL working on that other novel. I am going to write a lot today, to push myself, and it will probably be crap. Because I am sort of burned out. Not incredibly burned out, but at that slightly frustrated point where I realize that my novel would be going a lot better if I outlined. And I hate writing uninspired crap. I used to be able to write and write and write. I still sometimes can. HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO WRITE PROFESSIONALLY WHEN YOU CAN'T CHANNEL THAT FOR 75,000 WORDS AT A TIME?
I suck. At life.
( /self pity rant )
Brought on by the Googling of random St. Lawrence classmates, because I had a dream in which I was talking to some random guy I used to go to school with, so I Googled. Only to find that people who were dumber than me appear to have cool jobs. Legitimate jobs, more importantly. Where they make actual money. Lesson: do not Google before work. I should have remembered the last time. The last time I Googled, someone died (well, not exactly, but still).
4 comments:
OMG I got a 162 too! and... I went to law school for 3 years (I actually loved law school), graduated (in the top of my class, thank you), and have had 7 jobs in 5 years, I hate being a lawyer, and now I'm unemployed and applying to graduate school.
You don't suck... at least you didn't waste more time. You'll find it.
I feel the same as you at 28. I'm glad I finally have a somewhat interesting job that isn't just a secretary but it's really not enough and not worth the trouble.I hate that I have a degree and still make so little.
Anyway, I feel ya.
Oh yeah, and I'm 32. 32! And I'm not saying it only gets worse. And I bet you don't suck at writing. If you love it, that's the most important thing. Believe me, even being good at something doesn't mean that's what you should be doing with your time.
Hi friend,
nothing can beat the advice of Mom. But here's something else to consider.
There are so many people in the same boat. I'm 27, still in grad school, wondering why I attended grad school (the only benefits I can come up with thus far is that I now have a community of like-minded friends who will provide couch space--or share a cardboard box if it comes to that--when I'm too poor to support myself and the fact that I will have year of teaching college under my belt), and feeling oh-so-frustrated most the time.
I watch my SLU friends get married, start establishing families, buying property, fancy cars, and so forth and I feel jealous and hopeless.
But here's the thing. I truly believe that people like you and I are blessed (and not in a "praise God" kind of way). We were called to something--the impulse to be creative and write is something that can not be denied. We could've easily choosen a different route, one that is more lucrative and has immediate gratification. But we can't. It's not an easy path to walk, but it's such a rewarding one.
When I get too down, I remind myself that no one's success came over night. Stephen King spent years recieving rejection letters, living near, if not below, poverty and sometimes working three jobs--none of them glorious--even one miserable year as a laundromat attendant, before he published Carrie and his career took off. It took a serious illness that removed him from school for a year and permenantly from Princeton's football team for F.Scott Fitzgerald to even consider the study of writing--which led to Gatsby.
So when you're feeling ranty and down, remember that it shouldn't be easy. If it was easy, you'd have published some horrid compelation of chick lit and fade into obscurity. Instead, you're pouring your heart and soul into something worthwhile.
It will pay off in the end, I promise.
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