It's time to go over one of my huge pet peeves. I mean, this is huge. Mostly because I cannot think of any possible circumstance under which I, as a diner, would ask this question, because it is so phenomenally stupid. This is one of those things that makes me instantly want to kill you, and any future niceness to me during the meal will not make up for it. Oh, I will be nice to you because I work for tips, but I might speak to you as if you are slow. You will have been branded as an idiot within the first 90 seconds.
Tip #6: Do not point at a menu and ask your server any variation of the question, "Is this the menu?"
(Common variations include: "Is this all y'all have?" "Is this the only menu there is?" "Do you have another menu?")
Perhaps you can imagine how much sheer willpower it takes for a sarcastic person such as myself to hold in the snarky comments that spring to my lips when someone asks me if the menu is the only menu. Since this is my blog, I will indulge myself in a bit of stress relief and just let loose now, K? "No, we have a whole other menu in the back waiting JUST FOR YOU, MA'AM. I'm sorry, the greeters weren't aware that you would be requiring the SPECIAL PEOPLE MENU. No, it's a piece of laminated fancy paper with words on it that we distribute for our own entertainment. No, but the other one is only for people who are going to tip better than you... sorry. No, actually, that's not the only menu there is. As you can see, we have at least 30 other menus scattered about the dining room currently. No, the kitchen makes several more dishes, but you'll just have to guess what they are-- it's a secret. What, that thing that says MENU? Why would that lead you to believe it is the one and only menu? SHUSH! The first rule of the double secret menu club is you can't talk about the double secret menu club!!!!! Has no one told you the rules?!! No, it's a fucking armadillo! OF COURSE IT IS THE MENU!"
Wow. I feel better.
I am a bit overwhelmed by my day at work, in case you couldn't tell. My last table was illiterate, for one thing. As in, they could not read the menu. At all. And they didn't want to tell me they were illiterate, so they kept repeatedly ordering things we don't have, and I only figured it out when I asked them if they needed more time and the man said, "Let me just think," and then stared at the WINE MENU for five minutes before ordering pasta, which we also don't have.
I know I should not be mad at those people. And I wasn't, after I figured out what was going on. But man, when they were just sitting there ordering random shit, I was this far away from snapping. The woman did the smart thing, really. She asked for the specials and then ordered one of them. The man was floundering. He asked for sirloin, then ribeye, then something else, I forget what, then pasta. I almost wish they had said something. Tell me you have bad eyesight, I'll read the menu to you. But he just kept guessing, until finally I started listing dishes off the top of my head out of pity and because I didn't want to stand there all day.
This is why we need a better system of education. I cannot believe we make America out to be this wonderful country, when in this day and age, people are walking around functionally illiterate. I was struck on the drive home by how difficult it must be for that couple to function. They were forty-ish. How did they get to the restaurant? Surely you need to read to pass the driver's test. Or to read street signs. And do they just use the same bus route their mother taught them to use when they were kids, and hope the city doesn't make any changes? Do they mostly shop and live in their own neighborhood? Unfathomable to me. And frightening. What if that woman was meant to write the great book of the 21st century? What do we lose as a society by not educating our people?
No comments:
Post a Comment