Thirteen Reasons I Will Probably Buy Star Wars Again on DVD
This September the original versions of the first three Star Wars movies will be released on DVD. Mike likes the new ones and believes that George Lucas is the artist and therefore should be able to say that the special edition is the definitive version. I disagree. But I do think suckering people into buying Star Wars on DVD twice is what he had in mind all along.
1. Greedo does not shoot first. I know Lucas got old and had kids and wanted Star Wars to be prettier, but no. Just no. This is the viewer's first opportunity to see what kind of guy Han Solo is. He lounges at the table, mouths off, shoots Greedo under the table with the gun he's slowly pulled throughout the conversation, flips some credits to the bartenders, and goes, "Sorry about the mess." That is just the guy he is, and we loved him for it.
2. I liked the explosion of the Death Star without the big ring around it. Just think about it, logically-- if it really blew up with a whole ring of energy bursting out from it, wouldn't it seem that much more unlikely that those x-wings who are 50 feet away get out of there alive? Wouldn't they instead be knocked on their asses?
3. "You were lucky to get out of there." My brother and I, having watched all three Star Wars movies pretty much every weekend in a row when we were kids, know every single line. I could prove it to you by typing the entire opening crawl from Return of the Jedi out of my head, but I won't subject you. Just believe me. This is why we notice things that are not apparent to the casual viewer, such as how, in the special edition Empire Strikes Back, Luke says the above line to Artoo when he gets spit out by the whale thing on Dagobah instead of, "You're lucky you don't taste very good." I am sure there is a technical reason for this, like that they couldn't digitally remaster the original shot because it was corrupted or something, so they used an alternate take. But it's still dumb.
4. Ditto the part where Han Solo is hanging upside down over the Sarlacc pit and he says something different to Lando. Instead of "It's all right, trust me!" Han inexplicably says, "It's all right, I can see a lot better." OK, honestly. This type of pointless dialogue change confuses the kiddies who are reciting along at home. Also, the "trust me" always seemed particularly fitting there because it echoes Lando's dialogue at the end of the previous film.
5. Old Darth Vader. The poor guy. I don't want freakin' Hayden Christenson's whiny Anakin face standing next to Obi Wan and Yoda in the blue glow at the end. Give us old Darth Vader back.
6. The fans demand the Max Rebo band! Why did he get replaced by something stupider and faker looking? I mean, here is the problem with CGI in a nutshell: how can anything be stupider and faker looking than a BLUE NYLON ELEPHANT? If the new "band" looks fake compared to Max Rebo's blue nylon elephant suit, we've got issues.
7. I hate the new song they play too. I mean, I really hate it.
8. I figure I might as well list this separately from the CGI band and the lame song, because I hate it so much: I hate the part where we zoom in close and the singer's lips and tonsils take up the entire screen. Are we in Star Wars or a cartoon?
9. The Sarlacc's extra snaky tongues. Bleah.
10. Those dinosaurs in Mos Eisley. I hate them. I thought the point was that Tattooine was a desolate place, not one filled with bizarre creatures upon whom poop jokes are based in the prequels (don't get me started). I don't get the argument that Lucas didn't have the technology to put more creatures in before, so he added them to make it look the way he originally wanted it to look. Star Wars had a nicely spare style to it. If he wanted creatures, why not add some banthas? Banthas are so peaceful and chill.
11. The Ewok song. Sure, it was lame lame lame. But dammit, it was what we had so we got used to it, and we clung to its lameness, and now it is gone! Why oh why the Ewok song? Not only is the new music just blah, the scene where the Ewoks play the drums with the stormtrooper helmets in tune with their music now looks utterly stupid because there is no music. The lack of the Ewok music literally ruins the end of Star Wars for me. Thanks, Lucas.
12. The special editions destroyed my childhood.
13. I am a huge sucker.
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9 comments:
Blimey, you really know your Star Wars!
Hope you had a great TT
Elle x
My son had all the Star Wars stuff in the 70s--puzzles, coloring books, figurines, trading cards, games. We went to see the first movie as a family for our "family night" event.
My TT is up.
Great List! Happy Thursday! -Mix (Still in love with R2D2)
I have to agree with alot of your comments about the original Star Wars as compared to the remastered editions - esp Hayden Christianson taking the place of "old" Darth Vader
I miss the original too. I have them on VHS in my room somewhere. Hayden just didn't fit in the final scene I think.
I most heartily agree with the lips comment. Seriously, cartoon or Star Wars? The movies just aren't the same. But I thought the original ewok song was catchy....:-P
For the record, I acquiesce to Lucas on his creative impetus. However, I stand by the fact that having Greedo shoot first was a mistake. With that caveat, I accept the comment attributed to me. Tphhpw.
Yop yop.
Great list. But you forgot: The horrible scene with Jabba and Han in 'A New Hope.' Jabba was NOT in the first film! He was not!
Fanboys are upset though because the DVDs will be Dolby 2.0 and not anamorphic widescreen (just letterbox widescreen, which is somehow lesser). Fanboys need to just be happy we are getting the films.
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