The Greatest Story Ever Told... Or, The Sketchiness of New Orleans

So two weeks ago, after BBQ and several beers, we crashed the rooftop pool at the Woodward apartment building in the Warehouse District. We've been swimming and drinking awhile when this older guy comes out, all by himself, and kind of latches himself onto us. Our basement neighbor Brandon somehow ends up getting sucked into talking to him. After about an hour, he swims over to Mike and me in the pool and goes, "Sorry to interrupt, but that guy was starting to freak me out. I needed to escape."

Then for some inexplicable reason, when the guy (who has become our best friend) says he's going down the street to the gas station to buy some beers for us, Brandon offers to go with him. At around 11, we want to go home and he isn't back. We realize he's been gone for over an hour. Marissa calls him on his phone... only to hear his cell ringing on the table by the pool. We are like, HOLY SHIT HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE CRAZY MAN! HE'S THE VICTIM OF A GAY KIDNAPPING! We are debating whether to leave without him when the stair door opens and there he is, with the crazy man in front of him carrying a bag of 40s. The guy goes, "You're leaving? But I got you all some beers!" I look behind the guy and see Brandon, in a plaid flannel shirt, making frantic gestures and with the most sketched out look I have ever seen on his face. "Actually," I said, "we're going home. Have to work tomorrow." Brandon comes over and says under his breath to me and Mike, "Holy shit, I'm wearing his shirt. I'm wearing his shirt. He gave me his shirt. GET ME OUT OF HERE."

It turns out he went to the guy's apartment to get his wallet, and the guy made him put on one of his shirts. He was pretty skeeved out by that, then they get in the guy's Buick, but the gas station is closed. So the guy says, "It's OK, I know another place, you drive because I'm not sober, but I'll give you directions." Then somehow they end up on the bridge. Brandon is like, "Um, are we supposed to be crossing the river?" because he just moved to New Orleans but is pretty sure he shouldn't be crossing the Mississippi to buy beers, and is thinking, where the hell are we going, I am going to die, ew I'm wearing his shirt, ew help. The guy's like, sure, sure, it's fine. And they end up in Gretna, and it takes them like an hour to get back and on top of being kidnapped and taken to the Westbank the guy is like, "Oh by the way, I hope you have a dollar for the toll so we can get back."

So last night, we're at Polynesian Joe's and I realize the guy behind us looks familiar. I'm trying to figure out where I would have seen an older, kinda strange guy before when suddenly it hits me: IT'S HIM! Then I remember we're right across the street from the Woodward apartments and I was like, "Oh my god, it's totally him!" He gets up and goes in the other room, and I say to Mike and Marissa, "I think that's the guy who kidnapped our neighbor! Did you see him?" They hadn't. In five or ten minutes he comes back in and Mike says, "Oh yeah that is definitely him." Then he comes over to the bar and sits next to us.

The conversation goes like this:
Guy: Hey, you girls like to smoke?
Us: Uhhhh...
Guy: Cause I got some weed. And some rock.
Mike: Really, dude.
Guy: Yeah you know, we could mix it all together in a blunt.
Mike: I think we're OK.
Guy: I was just kidding! You thought I was serious! Ha! But I do have $500 in my closet.
Mike: Um, cool.
Guy: Oh, just to let you know, I'm 100% straight.
Mike: (sits there looking sketched out as Crazy Guy proceeds to reach over and touch his shoulder)
Bartender: (to Marissa and me) Let me know if that guy's bothering you girls. 'Cause he's, you know, not all there. Somethin missing if you know what I mean.
Marissa: We know. We've met him before.
Bartender: Oh! OK then. 'Cause once we had this beach party in here, and he kept coming up to all the girls and trying to buy crack, so I had to throw him out.
Guy: Hey, I'm gonna go play you guys some tunes on the jukebox. Have I seen you somewhere before?

It was one of those supreme moments when a wacked-out silence falls upon the group and you look at each other and realize that you need to leave. Now.