Thirteen Restaurant Diners I Hate

Boba Fett stands by ready and willing to fire on those who commit these crimes in the presence of Sarah. He pities da fool who makes a fool of himself in a restaurant. I don't come into your office or your house and be rude to you. Ya heard?

1. Mr. "What? You don't have Bud Light? Ew. I'll make a face at your beer list. Then I'll order a water." Dude. We've been over this before. I suppose it makes sense, though, because you're practically ordering a water anyhow when you order a Bud Light.

2. The people who ask for every random item under the sun to be brought to their table... and then don't tip. Invariably, the most demanding people tip the least. It's some kind of rule.

3. People who accuse the restaurant of performing false advertising by claiming to be a seafood restaurant. "BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SEAFOOD ON THE MENU." I point out that there are at least ten seafood dishes on the menu. I point to them. "YOU DON'T HAVE A FRIED SEAFOOD PLATTER. YOU ARE NOT A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT." Thanks for clearing that up. Now I'm going to have to go in the walk-in and disappoint the one hundred frozen dead fish back there by telling them they aren't fish and they died for nothing. Oy. Also, fried food people don't tip. It's another rule. Your tip is, like, inversely proportional to the number of times someone at a table asks if you can fry that. The fried food rule. It's an exact science.

4. "Campers." This is what we call guests who sit FOR-EVER. I realize that you are the guest and you can do whatever you want because you are paying. HOWEVER. Order an appetizer, or a cocktail, or something. True story. I once had a table come in at 7:45, eat two cheeseburgers, a coffee, and a (free) water, and stay until 11:45 PM. As in, the staff was taking the restaurant apart around them. When I got the tip, it was $5.00, which was quite proper because they only ordered $30 worth of food. I was so angry by the end that I sent someone else to pick up the signed copy of the credit card slip, because I didn't even want to look at them. What I'm trying to say is, if you're going to sit forever, make sure what you're ordering is proportional to the amount of time you sit. To do otherwise is horribly rude.

5. Guests who get angry at the menu, or the prices. You know, you could look at it before you are seated. I always do. I thought everybody did.

6. Guests who attempt to inform me of things about the menu, as if they know more than me. I once had this lady who leaned over and, very conversationally, said to me, "You told me this lemonade was sweetened. But really, it isn't." I said, "Actually, it is fresh-squeezed and has sugar in it." And she smiled and said, "No, it doesn't," as if she was doing me a favor informing me so I would know what to tell people next time. I smiled and left the table. Argh. We make the lemonade in the morning. Don't tell me what is or is not in it.

7. Guests who try to pay me $5 to go across the street to the Walgreen's and buy some ranch dressing, because we don't have it.

8. Diners who order things and then try to tell me it's not what they ordered. Like, Ms. "But my meat is all red!" Yes, yes it is. You ordered it medium. If you don't know how you like your food cooked, just describe for me what you want, and I can help you. I had this lady who wanted a bone-in ribeye well-done and butterflied. When she got it, it was chopped up into smaller bits on the plate and wasn't as pretty as everyone else's, and she said, "This isn't what I ordered." Her husband laughed and said, "Yes, it's exactly what you ordered."

9. People who lie. This is really awkward for me to deal with, because the customer is supposed to be right, and all that. But if you make stuff up that I know is wrong, I am left standing there sort of flabbergasted, because I know you're just making it up. Last week some people demanded to be moved because they wanted a table by the window, and they told me it was their regular table and they always sat there. It is utterly embarrassing to pretend to be a regular when it is your first time in the restaurant. We work there. We know.

10. People who throw an unsightly fit. Once we had a totally classily-dressed woman throw a screaming fit because the restaurant wouldn't push two tables together for her. Then she ordered the rest of her party to leave, even though some of them had already ordered and kept trying to get her to sit down and stop making a scene. Don't do that. It embarrasses the staff, the rest of your party, and the other diners. It should embarrass you, but I guess you have no shame.

11. Diners who tip just under 15%. Why? IT'S ANOTHER FREAKIN' DOLLAR. Who are you? WHO ARE YOU?

12. Diners who leave cute notes and smileys on the signed credit card copy and/or gush to my manager about how great I was... and don't tip. OK, no. Does a smiley pay my rent, or buy my cat food? Do not leave praise in lieu of a tip. I actually dread seeing cute notes on the credit card slip because so often they are in lieu of a tip.

13. "The Five." These are the people who always tip five dollars. Good service, bad service. $8 cheeseburger, or $30 bottle of wine and a $28 filet. It's a five dollar bill for everyone. Equality, you see. Usually they do it in advance, too. When you go to drop the check and you see the five out on the table, it is not a good sign. It's like you go back in the kitchen and say, "Ugh, Table 84 has the five out. I saw it."

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