Just a 90's Girl in a World of Stupid Ass Shorts

So I went to Lakeside Mall because I got out of class early and I had to pick up some stuff. I figured while I was there I would go buy some new shorts. True, I already own lots of shorts, but they are mostly of the athletic and board shorts variety. What I wanted was a simple pair of cotton belt-looped shorts in perhaps a pastel alternative to khaki. The kind you can walk around in and appear as if you got dressed that morning, as opposed to the "schlepping" look.

Would you believe that they had NOT A SINGLE PAIR OF SHORTS in the Gap? I am not making this up. They really didn't. Yet the summer merchandise was out. Baffled as to why a store would have bikinis (on sale already, no less!), capris, summer dresses, and no shorts, I trekked to J. Crew... where I was met with this travesty:

OK. Um. I know J. Crew and Gap sell shorts. I know this because, when I visited both of their websites last week, I saw multitudes of the plain, preppy, simple khaki shorts I want. Why don't they carry them in the store? What is up with these stupid ass shorts? I swear both stores had them by the boatload, in about 10 different varieties. Is the capri (and, I shudder, the Bermuda) the new short? Knee length shorts? Seriously? WHY DON'T PEOPLE WEAR PLAIN OLD SHORTS ANYMORE? This is Louisiana. It is hot out! Why would you not want the air on your legs? Don't even get me started on that stupid layering tank top trend. I saw a girl in the mall wearing three. Three! If you are going to wear three tank tops, why don't you just wear... a shirt?

But seriously. Back to the stupid ass shorts. Do people actually wear these? Because I don't know anyone who does. I feel that the stockpiling of these shorts, like the supposed comeback of the skinny jean, is a ploy by the fashion industry to make us think this is what's in. But do people actually wear them? No. They do not. Because they look stupid. I will now prove my point: if anyone is the ideal body type for this supposed clothing, it is me. I mean, I have friends who get mad in stores because women with butts, hips, and larger legs cannot wear this stuff. OK, then I present Exhibit A: me. 5'6", 115 lbs, 34B, size 2. No butt, no boobs, no hips, thin legs. People, I do not look good in these shorts. I would not be caught dead in these shorts, because women with model-thin legs have bony knees and ankles. We don't want to draw attention to them! It took me years to work myself up to wearing capris. If I wear these shorts, I might as well wear a shirt with an arrow that says, "BONY KNEES THIS WAY!" I would look like a pair of legs with a head on top. Yuck (though I do believe I have that belt in the picture).

Baffled. So baffled.

Tags: fashion, rant